The Edges

I’m not like most people.

I don’t know if it’s because I grew up in a chaotic environment, or if it’s just innately a part of who I am at my core, or if it’s a mix of both. But I don’t feel comfortable in comfort. It feels confining. I need space, I need to know I have freedom to breathe and to do what I want to do without worrying about someone else. 

A lot of people enjoy the stability of marriage and a family, to know they are coming home to the same person day after day and the same routines. I enjoy my routines, but I enjoy them because they are mine. I don’t have the desire to build a routine with someone else. I tried that and I felt as though I were in a prison of sorts. It felt unnatural. Even now, when I see couples and families who do the same thing every day, my chest tightens and I feel like I need to run. 

It’s not that I don’t believe in relationships, I just need my autonomy. I don’t want my life being so merged with someone else’s that I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t want my life to be defined by taking care of someone else. My brain likes tension. Mystery. Distance. Mutual observation. The feeling of two people slowly circling each other across space and time. 

I used to think I wanted what everyone else had. That I wanted to fit in and do what you were supposed to do. I wanted to define everything. Every relationship, every emotion, every moment. The marriage, the money, the home, the family. But I’ve learned that was never fulfilling to me. 

Now I’m not trying to hide that part of myself. I try ridiculous things, have insane hobbies and meet the most interesting people. I hear stories from those that don’t live the conventional life. 

People that follow the beat of their own drum. Walk away from things that aren’t fulfilling and towards things that pull them. 

Some may call it selfish, I call it self-preservation. We have this one go around in life, as far as we know. I want to experience everything I can. I want to have passions and desires and not be ashamed to follow them. To have experiences that I will never talk about but light my soul on fire. To try something new because I can’t stop thinking about it. To let my mind travel down a road full of fantasies and daydreams and write everything down or just let my brain live there for a moment. I don’t ever want to lose myself or dull down that part of me again. I don’t want to be someone that goes along with what everyone else does because that’s what is expected. 

And I want to know that part of other people. I want to dig into the corners of people that they hide and see their scars and I want to hear about how they got them. I want to look at the parts of people that they feel like they need to smooth down or soften…I want to see the edges. 

I think we have the tendency to try and make ourselves into something easier to hold. I’d rather be fully alive than easily understood.