Untouchable.

One thing that I used to struggle with and still sometimes do, is a wound that started a long time ago, one that I never truly learned how to mend. The fear that I’m not good enough, that I’m easily forgettable, that I blend in with everyone else. It is one of those things that I could dissect and turn over for hours and come to a conclusion about where it started if I cared enough. I don’t. Not really. It crawls up sometimes in situations that disturb it, but most of the time it lies dormant. 

After my divorce was finalized, my self-worth was basically non-existent. Not necessarily because of him or the divorce, but because of another situation that stretched on for years. I stayed in something painful far longer than I should have, hoping it would eventually become what I wanted it to be. Instead, it left me feeling unwanted. By the end, I felt as though I was untouchable. All those old wounds came to the surface. 

Not long after that situation ended, someone from my past came around. Talking to me in a way that made me very uncomfortable, asking me to do things that I didn’t want to do. And for a while, I entertained it. I had known him for almost half my life, and he was showing interest in me, and at the time, that’s all that mattered. I wanted to feel like I was still desirable. And even though the situation was nothing at all what I wanted, I felt as though that’s all I deserved. Somewhere along the way, I had convinced myself I didn’t deserve to be looked at as though I mattered. I didn’t deserve to be important to anyone. It was easier to just let those old wounds open up than face anything else, to allow myself to have boundaries and enforce them. Until I started having a bit of a voice, until I started standing up for myself. 

Until I finally said no and was ignored. 

Until I walked away. 

The insecurities started to quiet down. My voice started to become louder. My boundaries started to become stronger. My heart started to beat again, for me. For knowing who I am and what I have to offer and the type of people that deserve it.

I still struggle with that wound sometimes. It still whispers that I should be grateful for whatever attention I’m given. It still tells me I’m asking for too much when I want kindness, respect, attraction, and genuine interest all at the same time. But I’ve learned that being desired and being valued are not the same thing. I don’t know what I want or where I’ll end up, and I’m okay with that. I’m not trying to validate my existence anymore, not the way I used to. Now, I honor how I feel. I protect my boundaries. I only entertain people who don’t make me feel bad about myself.

For a long time, I thought I was untouchable because nobody wanted me.

Now, I think I was untouchable because I was finally learning how to stop settling.